Eating disorder
In the Netherlands there are approximately 220,000 people who suffer from an eating disorder, such as anorexia and bulimia, and 95 percent of them are women. They are mental disorders, just like depression, schizophrenia and post-traumatic stress disorder, and of all mental disorders, eating disorders have the highest mortality rate. Perhaps this is because only 1 in 10 people with an eating disorder seek help. The vast majority therefore live on untreated, which results in death for 4 percent of the total number of people suffering from an eating disorder. So it is a rather serious matter, one that deserves to be handled very carefully. I hope that the advice from the Pub can help bystanders, because that is really necessary.
The advice
‘Absolutely keep talking! Ask questions (without judgment), let them know that you are seeing someone. An ED (Eating Disorder) is a way of not feeling emotions and putting things away. It’s not about losing weight, getting thinner or not eating. That’s just a way to not have to feel. So there is something different underneath. Ask about it! Ask how she is ‘really doing’. Listening, summarizing, asking questions. (I also had ED for a long time after modeling, but with good therapy it has been completely fine for years now!)
‘Speaking from experience: my friends have started talking to me about how they were worried and that I need help. Especially made me feel very safe by remaining understanding but also showing the seriousness of the situation and that with professional help things will really work out. Also a lot of thought was given to which steps to take and in what order: calling the doctor, telling a friend, telling parents, going to the doctor’s visit, discussing follow-up for treatment at the clinic with me. It made me feel very heard and seen. Of course, everyone has different causes and factors, but she will probably be weak and tired and possibly have a lot of anxiety. Someone who takes some leadership, lays out the steps for you (not so much makes the choices for you, but directs you a bit) can be very nice. In any case, having people who care about you and help/guide you is always nice in a situation like this!’
‘Here’s one with an anorexia past! The most important thing is that you show that you are there for her. No focus on eating or not eating, but mainly asking how she is really doing. Possibly say that you are concerned about whether she is feeling well. Above all, DO NOT push to eat more, because eating/losing weight/thinking yourself too fat is almost never the problem, but only the manifestation of other problems.’
‘Gently indicate that you are concerned. Not in the direct way (“what did you eat today”), but in a supportive way. An ED is especially lonely. If she exercises obsessively, try to join in and break the ice on weight. Oh yes, and don’t lose sight of the fact that ED often has/can also have another underlying cause. Depressive feelings, unresolved trauma… The fact that people noticed my weight loss gave me a positive feeling: finally something I could do. Don’t go into it with a straight leg about just the ED!’
“Definitely talk about it. An ED takes you over, it is a disease that can even be fatal. It’s a lonely process. If the person it is about denies it, that can actually be a signal. The ‘ED’ does not want to be discovered. So lying is part of it. Keep asking and keeping an eye on it. Don’t make sure you distance yourself from her – that’s exactly what your ED wants.’
‘I have a friend who had ED. I have known her for 1.5 years now, so I have not experienced her in the ED phase, but I can see what damage it has done. She is now having a baby and the changing body is very difficult for her. I already opened the conversation when she was pregnant by saying: if you are having a hard time somewhere, talk to me. Later she started the conversation about it again, about the fear of relapse. I listened to her then and showed a lot of understanding, which she really appreciated. Maybe this ‘attitude’ for this Pub will also help. State what you see/think without judgment and keep the conversation open by indicating that you are there (unconditionally) if the other person needs a conversation. And in the conversation not too much in action mode, but mainly in understanding and feeling (“I understand that you feel this way, that seems really annoying to me. What would help you?). Unconditional!!!, because there is already so much self-judgment.’
‘Ask her how she’s really doing. “I’m worried about you, I see you’re losing a lot of weight.”
‘Simply naming an eating disorder can be hard (think of someone with an alcohol problem, then you don’t say Yo, I think you should go to AA.) I have an eating disorder myself and I think it is for her, no matter how K. is nice. She is seen and that is often what is needed. If she ‘gives in’, she offers help and goes to the doctor together. Referral to eating disorder clinic (Ursula in Leiden is great). If that is the case, she cannot do this alone, it is a disease and not ‘eating a little differently’.’
Are you struggling with an eating disorder and need help? Please contact your doctor or visit psyq.nl/eet Disorder.
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