“For that boy, letting go meant: stopping sawing, and not always the question ‘Do you have a job yet?’ have to answer. This always means: you are not doing well, you are not meeting our expectations, you are working a little harder. In short: they are well-intentioned incentives, but they come across as a rejection.”
“That boy really wanted to go his own way and make his own choices. He didn’t want to be saved. But he knew that if he fell, he had someone to turn to, and that gave him mental strength.”
“The message for Katrien is to definitely send messages and not let him go,” says Rika.
Guilt complex surrounding the divorce
In Katrien’s story, Rika also sees a clear guilt complex surrounding the divorce. “I see that with many people who come to me and who have started a second family. A bit disrespectfully, I speak of ‘the first leg’ and ‘the second leg’.”
“Children from ‘the first generation’ are the children who pay the heaviest price for divorce. These are children who always end up between 2 tables and have a seat at 2 addresses, but often have the feeling that they are not part of the nuclear family. They feel like they don’t belong.”
“Apparently there was also a lot of conflict between Matthijs’ biological father and mother. The father has also given up. That sounds very negative, but of course the man doesn’t feel good about it. He has feelings of guilt about his divorce, but flees from it by pretending that the problem does not exist, or by blaming it on his son: ‘get a job!’”
What should Katrien do?
It is a complicated problem, but Katrien can play a nice role in it, says Rika. “Give Matthijs a place. He can play a connecting role between those 2 nuclear families. He is the link that connects two families, and that is a nice way to look at it.”
“Katrien can point this out to him. Just because he isn’t responding today or is having a hard time doesn’t mean she has to give up. Keep making appointments. He will come back, I’m sure.”
“Katrien should not give good advice, but just be there for him and accept him unconditionally. That can give him strength and make him realize that he has a right to exist and can be there. The rest will follow automatically.”
