‘I just don’t miss it’

Everyone needs friends to have a good social life, right? Jacky thinks differently about this, she has consciously chosen not to have any friends. “People quickly think that you feel lonely, but that doesn’t bother me at all,” she says J/M Parents.

“The realization that I prefer not to have friends came with age. When I was young I did have friends, I also tried to make and maintain friendships, but I noticed then that it cost me a lot of energy. But you want to fit in and live the way everyone expects you to. And when you’re young you also need friends, I needed that at the time too.

It took energy

As she got older, Jacky had one more girlfriend, but it cost her more energy to maintain it than she got out of it. “Then I wondered: do I still like this? And at a certain point I had children and the contact faded even more, but I was actually fine with that. That need to have friends had slowly gone away.

In recent years I had one girlfriend or an acquaintance each time, but that contact slowly stopped. I’m just done with people quickly when they do something to me, which made me think even more: do I actually want friends?”

Social beings

Jacky really believes that people are social beings. “People need contact. But I get that from the time with my husband, children and family, which gives me satisfaction. Right now I don’t need to have friends for that. People quickly think that you feel lonely, but that doesn’t bother me at all. I just don’t miss it.

I know that feeling, from the past, when I didn’t have that many friends for a while. But now I just don’t feel the need for it anymore, I prefer to sit on the couch by myself in the evening. That is sometimes quite difficult, since society is actually geared towards having friends. How often do you hear: ‘Then why not bring a friend?’. Or ‘Are you going to do something fun with friends?’

Previously I didn’t dare to admit that I preferred to be alone, so I replied: ‘Yes, I’m going to do something.’ Or: ‘No, my girlfriend is on holiday.’ But later I wondered why I actually said that? It’s not really something I should be ashamed of, is it?

Belong

According to Jacky, it has certainly been a process of accepting herself more as she is. “I always had the feeling that I had to belong, but that I couldn’t quite be myself. Now I have finally accepted that I am better off without friends and that it is completely okay to consciously make that choice. That’s such a relief, that I can just be myself and be open about it. I am who I am, and that’s okay.

What also played a role in the acceptance process is the diagnosis of autism that I recently received. That also gives me clarity about why maintaining friendships takes so much energy and I no longer need it. It also helps with acceptance.

Recognition

On Instagram, Jacky shared a reel about the subject and she received many responses. “It’s unbelievable how many people have the same thing as me. The first time I shared this reel it got over a million views and there was so much recognition. Why then is it so normal to have friends, when there are so many who don’t have them and don’t want them? Realizing that there are more people like me was a real relief eye opener. I therefore find it necessary to discuss this taboo.

My form of contact with other people is online. I talk a lot to people who are in the same situation as me, which gives me energy and satisfaction. I talk to them about parenthood, raising children and our lives. Every now and then I meet up with acquaintances or people I met online, but that is just very non-binding.”

The future

If I meet someone in the future with whom I click really well, I would be open to starting a new friendship. It’s not like if I hit it off with someone I’d say, “Sorry, I decided not to have friends.” But then it has to click very well.

When I was about fifteen, I had one girlfriend and I got energy from that friendship. If I got that feeling again with someone, I would like it, but otherwise not. The friendship should give me energy and not cost me energy.”

Iris (25): ‘I don’t have any friends on the schoolyard’