A painful stab helped me wake up. I just saw a tiger mosquito take off from my forehead and wander past the alarm clock, drunk in blood. 9:42 am. Shit.
Not one pair of clean underwear completed the triptych of discomforts that a very last sheet of toilet paper and a clogged shower had initiated, and while brushing my teeth I felt a sharp pain in the lower left side of my mouth. Towards the end of the hastily consumed breakfast, it turned out that my cornflakes had been soaked in sour milk.
On flat tires I reached the station where I was able to sprint onto the platform just in time to see the steel worm slide away from me. Only a few steps before the ground floor did I manage to squeeze past a loudly ringing bell on the broken escalator, only to realize that my wallet had been stolen.
Then to my buddy, who apparently had an earring pierced. Amid the noise of our crumbling friendship, I could just barely bring myself to inquire about the possibility of a ride. That was possible, but his son had thrown up in the backseat this weekend, so we had better roll down the windows a bit.
With a soaked right shoulder, I found myself in front of a closed level crossing, being grinned at by Ben Weyts, Sarah Smeyers and another glassy-eyed New Flemish acolyte whom I did not know. Turns out my buddy didn’t have an alcohol marker with him. We might as well return, I said, it wouldn’t be tetanus. He thanked me for wasting his time and forced me out of the car.
I sought shelter in a bistro with a diminutive name, where I had to scan a QR code for a half-cooked piece of chicken, lukewarm fries and Pepsi. Only after the old lady in front of me was relieved of her very last coin did I remember my stolen wallet. The operator had never heard of Payconiq. One watch poorer, I stepped in dog turd as if it made any difference.
The crack that had hidden the droppings from view spread across the asphalt, which now tore completely open and swallowed me up in its darkness. In the depths a horned figure waited for me, who showed me all my fallen loved ones, their eyes gouged out, their teeth shattered, their nipples torn off, burned, broken to pieces, skinned and crucified. Their soul-crushing screams were only interrupted by moans.
The Mephistophelian creature laughed that my time had not yet come but that it was indeed tetanus, pulled me a bir and had two of his executioners drag me by the nostrils over broken glass to the surface.
When I got home I turned on the TV and came across Baby Lasagna.
Tags: tiger mosquito rise forehead wander alarm clock drunk blood
