“Attributes, that’s what they say to it,” says a resident in the cafeteria of the Zonnebloem residential care center in Zwijnaarde. He is talking about the different types of sex toys displayed on a table. Even before the presentation starts, two ladies have come forward to take a good look at all the ‘attributes’. Twenty-five residents are introduced to everything from stimulating ointments to vibrators, handcuffs and butt plugs.
At this performance – the erotic counterpart of a Tupperware evening – Upperlady Sarah will explain the products that residents can buy. Sarah has been going out “with suitcases full of fun” for ten years. That pleasure is already there for the residents without using the toys. An entire evening of mischievous giggling and bawdy jokes resound from between the rows of old people. “Yes, hello,” says a man who uses a dildo as a telephone as a joke. “Everything fine?” He later uses a vibrating vibrator as a shaving machine.
When Upperlady Sarah passes around feather whips – one side to caress, one side to punish – the man with the feather tickles the face of the resident in the row in front of him. The lady then teasingly reprimands him. “They are having a good time,” says Sien Duquennoy, psychologist at the urban residential care centers.
Erotica fair
The sex toys are popular – the press is also present – but the evening is not actually about that. With this presentation, the city of Ghent wants to show that attention is paid to sexual well-being in the five urban residential care centers. “We also have a clear policy around it,” says Duquennoy. “We assume a ‘sex-positive’ vision. That is, we see sexuality as part of life. With this evening we want to break the taboo surrounding sexuality among the elderly.”
The sex-positive policy also means that staff support residents when they enter into a new relationship in the residential care center, Duquennoy explains. They will then have the necessary privacy to fully enjoy their relationship. “Sometimes family members don’t want that,” says the psychologist. “But we mainly try to represent the interests of the residents.”
During individual conversations, Duquennoy receives many questions about the subject. Sometimes residents indicate that they would like to receive a hug from a staff member. This form of skin hunger is quickly resolved. But some want the full package and are willing to pay for it. The team then calls on non-profit organization Aditi. “We handle such questions very discreetly,” says Duquennoy.
The idea to organize an Upperdare evening arose when the staff was recently asked by some residents to go to the Erotica fair in Flanders Expo. That turned out to be practically impossible. But instead, a mini erotica fair was organized in the residential care center.
Vibrator
One of the participants is almost 101 years old. The woman has been together with her husband for just under eighty years, who died in 2019. She has no need for a new relationship, she tells us when we speak to her in her room moments before. “When I see a beautiful man, I think: ‘That’s quite something,’” says the lady. “But I won’t start it again.”
According to her, talking about sexuality with other residents is difficult. That’s because the mores and customs her generation grew up with are quite different from those of today. “We are still carrying around that stupidity from the past,” she says. “That’s on our backs.”
She doubts that the Upperdare evening will change things much, but she is curious about all the tools. “Do you want to know Or do I have something in my chest?,” she says, laughing. “No, I do not have that. I have already seen vibrators in the advertising booklets that we sometimes receive. They are simply there next to the household goods. But then I think to myself: ochgottekes However, does that really have to be in there?”
