Tonight you normally meet up with friends. But you are tired. You had a hard day at work. You want to be alone. You cancel with an excuse and that is not the first time. It’s called the ‘cancellation urge’ and it is not always wise to give in to it. Psychologist Flo Peeters from The Human Link: “Look for what gives you energy.”
“Many of us today have a greater need for rest and recovery time, as life is often very busy and hectic. We see more people hitting their limits,” says clinical psychologist Flo Peeters. “We have to reinvent ourselves at the same time, find hobbies, pursue passions and live the perfect life on social media. It creates fomo, which causes us to plan our agenda well in advance and become overstimulated more quickly. If we go into overdrive all the time, it would be smart to cancel an appointment every now and then.”
“On the other hand, social media promotes the opposite: self-care. We long for that too. People dare to cancel their dates, precisely because they see in the ideal picture that an evening alone is just as cool.”
You want to cancel once the time comes: where does that feeling come from?
You come home from work, plop down on the couch, turn on the TV. Ping! A notification on your phone from the calendar app: ‘Resto with the girls’. You no longer have the energy and even though you have often canceled last minute ‘due to overworking’, you send an excuse again.
“If you feel that you can hardly relax and are in overdrive all the time, it is a good reflex to cancel that appointment and opt for a cooldown. If you like to say ‘yes’ to everything and therefore keep all the balls in the air, then those recovery moments are essential to prevent you from ending up in a burnout,” says Peeters.
There’s nothing wrong with hanging out on the couch, at least if you don’t become isolated in the long term
Psychologist Flo Peeters
“On the other hand, some people also become mentally tired because there are more difficult things in their lives than things that make them happy. Then it is smart to push yourself and not let that ‘restaurant with the girls’ pass you by in order to get the balance back in balance.”
“If you get tired because you miss things that give you energy, then ‘just going’ is certainly wise. But be aware of what gives you energy. One gets charged by being home alone, the other recovers after a long working day through social contact, going outside or hobbies. There’s nothing wrong with hanging out on the couch, at least if you don’t become isolated in the long term. For example, don’t plan anything during the week, but arrange for more social activities at the weekend. Are your needs such as sports, social contacts or hobbies no longer fulfilled and do you feel less charged? Then cancellation becomes problematic.”
“After all, staying at home can provide a rewarding effect of comfort in the short term. You can become somewhat ‘addicted’ to that. If you notice in the long term that staying at home does not sufficiently meet your needs, it is not a good idea to continue with that habit too much.”
Evaluate how you feel after an appointment. Did you fall asleep relaxed after that dinner or were you more exhausted?
Psychologist Flo Peeters clarifies
“A trick to find out what works for you is to evaluate after an appointment whether it made you extra tired or not. Did you fall asleep relaxed after that dinner or were you more exhausted? Go sometimes and don’t go, and take stock for yourself. If you notice that you are recharged afterwards, but always have to cross a threshold to leave the house, find a way to bridge that threshold more easily. Plan something immediately after work, so that you don’t have to go home first. Or ride with someone, so that you get extra stimulation.”
“I have a cough and can’t come”: can you keep using excuses?
Do you usually cancel with an excuse? Mainly pleasers use that. “During corona you could hide behind a cough. But eventually people realize that you are lying to them. This gives the signal that you don’t like them in your life as much. So be honest about what you need that evening. Maybe exercise alone rather than having a drink with that one friend. The more explanation you give, the less frustration the other person can experience.”
“Yes, some friends will certainly be disappointed. But isn’t that a nice sign? They would have liked to meet you because they appreciate you. So don’t be too quick to think that you are doing something wrong by canceling. Your friends just have to get used to you suddenly guarding your boundaries, while you used to agree to everything.”
Let them know that you are really looking forward to that party at the moment, but you cannot predict whether you will have a tough day in three weeks
Psychologist Flo Peeters clarifies
“A good tip is the ‘maybe’ technique: ask your friends if you can plan the invitation in pencil. Don’t immediately say ‘yes’ because you want to keep others happy or because of fomo. Tell them that you are really looking forward to that party right now, but you cannot predict whether you will have a hard day in three weeks, will be lethargic because of your rules or will be exhausted. As the day approaches, you can see if you have room for it. This technique will help you to honestly indicate where your needs lie. If you say ‘yes’ on that day, your friends will know that you are really there with full enthusiasm.”
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