Birgit’s question: “Should I tell my best friend that her husband is flirting with me?”
Birgit (48) has been friends with Mia for 28 years. “She married Bert 20 years ago and I am the godmother of their child. We often go out together and that went very well for 20 years.”
“Bert has started flirting with me in recent months. It seriously scared me and I absolutely don’t know what to do about it. The first time we were all sitting at the table and I felt his foot rubbing against my leg. I didn’t respond to it.”
“A few weeks ago it happened again: when the three of us went to a theater performance, his foot came again. In any other situation I would have punched him, but since he is my best friend’s husband I just ignored it. After the performance he acted as if nothing had happened.”
“Should I say something about it? Against him? Against her? Or should I ignore it better?”
Rika Ponnet’s response: “Mia’s husband is probably out for a game, don’t make a big deal of it”
“I don’t think Mia’s husband is looking for a relationship with Birgit,” Rika Ponnet responds. “I think he’s out for some exciting interaction and playing a game with her.”
“Maybe he wants to test her? Birgit also writes that in any other situation she would punch the man. That’s quite drastic.”
“In any case, Birgit takes it very seriously, and she gets the feeling that she is in a conflict of loyalty. Maybe she actually interprets it as infidelity and wants to spare her friend from it? It weighs on her like some kind of secret.”
“Telling a secret is not always worth it”
Rika also sometimes hears similar stories in her practice. “People then come to me and wonder whether they should tell such things.”
“But it is not always out of honesty that people reveal a secret or want to share it with someone. In many cases it is about: ‘I find it difficult to continue with this and I want to get rid of the feeling of guilt’. While you also have to think about whether telling a secret is worth it. It can also be damaging.”
“If Birgit tells the secret, she may risk her friendship: it could lead to an escalation of things. Where does this end? The man can also deny it completely, causing Mia to lose confidence in her friend.”
What should Birgit do?
Why do people do things like Mia’s husband? “Often because they find it stimulating. It seems to me like a game he is engaged in, an adult game.”
“So I would talk to him about it jokingly,” says Rika. “Just give him a signal in a calm way and don’t make a big deal out of it. This does not necessarily have to have any negative consequences.”
