The Eurovision Song Contest in Malmö has started. The event that started in 1956 as an innocent song contest between European countries has turned into a scary freak show for the musically insane. The Eurovision Song Contest has had nothing to do with music for years. Be as weird as possible on stage and you win. And we participate every time with the greatest possible enthusiasm. It’s something to be ashamed of. In any case, the fact that we will probably win with Joost Klein according to the bookmakers is not something to be proud of. We can only say, we are the craziest this year. We have the worst taste of anyone.
During the Eurovision Song Contest you spend hours watching a freak show in which one person acts even crazier than the other. Circus acts are welcomed as heroes by the crowd, who think they have reinvented music. Only no one pays attention to the singing anymore, in contrast, everything around it has become important. The viewer sees so-called artists singing along to modern tunes. They dance, jump, fall, lie down or somersault. Besides ‘you can be yourself’, there is no message that the artists want to give you. The lyrics were made by toddlers. Show ideas created by ChatGPT. Instruments have been replaced by computers. Outfits are made by clowns or monsters.
Finland sends Windows95man, a half-naked man in briefs. Windows95Man is the epitome of all the bad taste that comes together. Windows95Man cannot sing himself and is therefore on stage with an extra singer, who resembles a Pokémon. This is why Windows95Man can focus on hopping, rolling and playing with electrical wires.
Croatia arrives with the mastermind Baby Lasagna. In an interview with Eurovision.be tells Baby Lasagna, Marko Purišić’s stage name, how he came up with that name. He was in a supermarket to buy a bottle of water as a painkiller for his headache. Once at the cash register, the name ‘Baby Lasagna’ just popped into his head. Phenomenal. In that same interview, Baby Lasagna reveals that the title of his song ‘Rim Tim Tagi Dim‘, has no meaning whatsoever. It just came to him and it sounded nice. His genius is clearly not for everyone.
The Dutch entry is Joost Klein. Someone from Friesland who promotes Europe in his Happy Hardcore song. A very tactical move in times of war. Joost doesn’t sing, he talks along to an energetic beat.
You could also call the Eurovision Song Contest politically charged. Ukraine won two years ago because all of Europe wanted to show sympathy for the Russian invasion. This time there is a lot going on about Israel. In Sweden, Finland, Norway and Iceland, people have long called for Israel to be excluded or to withdraw. No fewer than 1,400 Finnish artists signed a petition stating that no country that commits war crimes should have a stage to polish its image with music. In the end, that didn’t help anything, because the Finland organization itself knows: you are only destroying your image. That’s why Finland sends Windows95Man.
For once I can understand Hungary somewhat. They are doing a boycott, even if that is because the event is ‘too gay’ according to Prime Minister Viktor Orbán. A TV program of the autocrat government even called the Eurovision Song Contest a ‘homosexual fleet’. Other countries that don’t participate because it costs too much, but secretly just don’t want to participate in the freak show: Slovakia. Romania. Turkey. Andorra. North Macedonia. Bosnia and Herzegovina. Liechtenstein. Montenegro. Kosovo. Bulgaria. That list will only increase, because more and more countries realize that the Eurovision Song Contest has nothing to do with songs anymore.
Was the organization ever able to stop this development into a freak show? Maybe. Although no one wants all kinds of different restrictions. If we are going to do that, we can perhaps take the progressive republic of Chechnya as an example. Dictator Ramzan Kadyrov recently imposed a ban on music there. Only songs with a beat between 80 and 116 beats per minute are now allowed. This means that techno has been banned in its entirety, but also hits such as ‘Hey Jude‘ or ‘Mamma Mia‘ are forbidden. If you listen to them, you will get a fine or go to jail.
In any case, the fact that we have a good chance of winning with Joost Klein according to the bookmakers is not something to be proud of. We can only say, we are the craziest this year. We are better than Windows95man. We are more genius than Baby Lasagna. We have the greatest taste and least feeling for music in all of Europe. I’m already looking forward to the 2025 Eurovision Song Contest, here in our own crazy Netherlands.
