Matthew (21) wanted euthanasia but found perspective again: ‘I felt seen’

Matthew (21) wanted euthanasia but found perspective again: ‘I felt seen’ | RTL News

Matthew van Ham (21) suffers from a very rare form of the mental disorder OCD and his euthanasia request was processed last year. That’s exactly what made him change his mind. “I finally felt seen.”

Matthew van Ham was 16 years old when he developed a rare form of OCD, an anxiety disorder with recurring obsessive thoughts. “I was officially diagnosed with an anxiety disorder where I became very fixated on my body. I felt severe pain in my body 24/7, so all I could do was scream,” he explains.

OCD manifests itself in different forms. “I am constantly consciously breathing, blinking and swallowing. For example, I think that if I do not control breathing, I will stop breathing.”

Treatments did not work

Matthew wanted to do everything he could to learn to live with his psychological problems. “I then underwent a lot of treatments and tried many different medications.”

But without results, because no treatment worked. “I thought: if I have to live with this for the rest of my life, then I don’t want to live anymore. Then I started the euthanasia process.”

322 people under the age of 30 submitted a euthanasia request in 2023. Eight of these requests have been granted, the euthanasia expertise center states in their annual report. This does not mean that the euthanasia request of the other young people is no longer pending. The waiting time for a decision varies from a few weeks to more than two years.

Finding someone who could help Matthew with his euthanasia request turned out not to be that easy. “I’m very young, so this was difficult.” He ended up in a deep valley where the suffering eventually became too much for him. “Last December I attempted suicide.” He barely survived the attempt and ended up in intensive care in the hospital.

Shortly after the attempt, Matthew’s euthanasia request was processed. “That gave me something to hold on to. I felt seen. My psychological suffering was so intense that I could no longer live with it and for me euthanasia was a way out.”

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It felt double for Matthew. Despite his wish for euthanasia, he did not want to die for his family and friends. “I needed a meaningful life.”

Space to talk

Matthew’s euthanasia request was handled by child and youth psychiatrist Menno Oosterhoff. “Because I took his euthanasia request seriously, it created space for him to talk about death,” he says.

Psychiatrist Oosterhoff understands why people sometimes see no other way out. “Some people have to wait an extremely long time for their euthanasia request, sometimes for years, where they do not receive a response and feel lonely in psychiatry.”

Matthew also felt lonely. “Psychiatrists did not want to talk to me about death. I did not feel heard and that is why I attempted suicide. Menno was the first to say: ‘I hear you, I want to talk to you about it. ‘”

Matthew van Ham

“If people know that euthanasia is possible, it gives them the courage to try to overcome their depression for the umpteenth time, for example. And if this does not work, then there is another way,” psychiatrist Oosterhoff explains.

Because Matthew was able to talk to psychiatrist Oosterhoff about death, he also thought about a different perspective. “I got a little older and, despite the pain, I started studying psychology. That went a lot better than expected.” He even felt like living again.

Psychiatrist Oosterhoff indicates that many people who request euthanasia subsequently stop doing so. “Some change their mind, or another treatment option is found that allows them to see the light again,” he explains.

Helping others with mental health problems

As a psychologist, Matthew wants to use his experience to help others. “I study clinical psychology and want to specialize in anxiety disorders. I want to be there for others and really see their problems.”

He is doing well again now. There is no longer any question of euthanasia: “If I feel well enough, I eventually want to start a family and have children. I also have a great passion for music and singing.”