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Wendy (34) is married to Jacco, has three children aged 7, 5 and 4 and is registered on a site for cheaters.
Wendy: “Most people think that in a good marriage you have no need for sex with others. It’s strange and doesn’t fit the image of house-tree-little-animal. I’m sure the moms on the schoolyard would ignore me if they knew what I was up to on Saturday nights. Even if I told them that my husband is okay with me having a one-night stand every now and then.
Like an elderly person
Jacco has been struggling with the aftereffects of a burnout for a few years, he is depressed and takes antidepressants. The side effect of his medication is that his libido is reduced. At most, he feels like having sex once every three months – and has been doing so for five years. For the first few years I resigned myself to that, I was happy if he wanted to have sex once and that was that. I did become moody and whiny. I was not yet thirty, but I lived like an elderly person. Whenever we saw a bed scene on TV, we both turned our heads. He because it didn’t bother him, me because it affected me too much. I didn’t want to get excited because that would make me feel even lonelier.
I couldn’t take it any longer
After three years I fell in love with a colleague. He flirted with me and touched me every now and then. He warmed me completely. I did not respond to his advances, but decided to have a good conversation with Jacco. I could no longer live with sex four times a year, I said. It was no coincidence that I had feelings for someone else. On the other hand, I definitely didn’t want to lose him. I love him, he is a sweet partner and a sweetheart of a father.
Jacco understood my frustration, but could not meet my wishes. No matter how sweet, fun and tasty he found me, he felt enormous aversion when it came to sex. He had been thinking about it for a while, he said. An advertisement for a site for cheaters kept coming on the radio and maybe I should register there. Then I could go on sex dates without fearing that the other party wanted more. After all, the majority of people registered are married or in a steady relationship.
It seemed a bit cold and businesslike to me, but the more I thought about it, the more ideal it sounded. If I ever had sex with my colleague, there was a great risk that it would turn into an affair and I really didn’t want that.
‘Do you also do anal?’
I finally created a profile on that dating site a year ago. I posted a photo of myself in sexy lingerie without my face, came up with a different name and said that I was looking for an exciting adventure with a man in his thirties and forties. Before I knew it my mailbox was overflowing; that site is teeming with adventurous men. I immediately threw away three quarters. They were too flat or vulgar. Although I was looking for sex, I don’t get excited by opening lines like ‘they call me the best lover’ or ‘do you also do anal?’. If someone sent a more normal message and I liked his photo, I emailed back.
No need to spend hours texting
I have now gone on about ten dates. I have noticed that you really have to have a connection, that is much more important than someone’s appearance. There has to be a certain sexual chemistry. The advantage of such a site is that everything is clear. You don’t have to spend hours texting, you don’t have to sit at the table together for hours, it’s about sex. Point. That makes conversations shorter and more targeted, but doesn’t mean you’re less picky.
I have my demands. A man should be well groomed, smell nice and have a twinkle in his eye. I also always do it safely. That was actually Jacco’s only condition, besides discretion. He doesn’t want to catch any diseases and no one needs to know that his wife is failing him. That’s why I always meet in a hotel about half an hour’s drive from home. I’m usually already sitting in the lobby or in the café.
A date lasts at least three hours
The big exploration begins over a cup of coffee. I am honest in my email in advance: if I don’t like you, it will just be coffee. My profile also contains no information about my life at home. If I don’t trust a man, I wait in the hotel until I’m sure he has driven away. If necessary, I will call Jacco to see if he can put the baby monitor next door and pick me up.
A date lasts a maximum of three hours, we share the costs of the hotel. I bring a bottle of wine, some fruit, condoms, lubricant and clean underwear. I always want to take a shower afterwards, which I think is polite towards Jacco. I don’t want to smell like another man. Jacco just asks if I had fun. I then answer truthfully with yes or no, we won’t say anything more about it. We usually watch a series on Netflix so we can end the evening together.
It’s exciting after all
The sex is different every time. With one you make love for hours, with the other it is pure lust. Sometimes I have an orgasm, but for that I really have to relax completely and that is not always easy. It is exciting, precisely because of the unusualness. I once had so much fun with a man that we agreed to meet again. After two subsequent dates I stopped dating him. I found myself thinking about him a lot between dates and didn’t want to fall in love. The feeling was mutual, by the way. He felt bad that I cut him off, kept emailing me for dates, but I don’t mean to ruin two marriages. I ended up creating a new profile with a new name.
I once told a friend that I occasionally spend a Saturday evening this way. I thought she was open-minded, but she was scared to death and didn’t understand anything. She has avoided me ever since and I am more aware than ever that sex outside your marriage is a big taboo.”
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