A child does not always have to be a happy egg. Four questions to prevent an excess of love and pampering | column

Do you recognize this: fussy children in the supermarket who want to get their way? Children who always want to be the center of attention? Teenagers who behave like caterpillars are never enough; constantly complaining about what others get and are allowed to do, and they don’t? Teenagers who don’t want to help at home, don’t do their homework or are loud to parents and/or teachers? Then be careful: with all our good intentions, we can also be too good parents to our children.

Children should be happy, right? “Look, what a happy egg,” I regularly hear people say. Researchers measure happiness to assess how well young people are doing. When children are not happy, we worry. If things are not going well at school, or they are behaving inappropriately, we seek help. We currently provide youth care for an average of one in ten children.

Too much is not enough

Labels often follow that suggest that the problem lies with our children, and that we as adults have to run even faster or more special to solve that problem. Could it also be a problem that, with all our good intentions, we give our children too much of a good thing? So much too much that we don’t help them enough to learn the things necessary for a healthy, independent and satisfying social life?

Temptations are everywhere, and our wishes are often talked into us unnoticed in all kinds of ways. Supermarkets are full of delicious things. Garden centers also sell cuddly toys. Classmates only like our children if they wear certain branded clothes. Influencers advise our teenagers to buy that product. Advertisements lure us to travel abroad. Nowadays, even one holiday a year can feel like poverty.

If it feels difficult for us, as adults, to resist all those temptations and environmental pressures, then it certainly does for children.

Occasional pampering is no problem. But children can also get too much stuff, attention, entertainment and indulgence. They still have to learn to handle setbacks; learn that not everything is possible, that they also have to adhere to rules and that it is normal that they also have tasks (appropriate to their age).

If we are too nice, we may end up with children whose self-esteem depends on the things they own. Or with a lack of respect for others and other people’s property, or with protests against ordinary tasks, such as cleaning up or doing homework. Or with children who always want something new at the garden centre. Or with children who have difficulty choosing between their needs now and doing what is necessary to achieve something later. They can also become too dependent on the approval of others for their self-confidence.

Four questions

The following four-question test from the University of Minnesota can help us become more determined in giving less inappropriate love:

1. Development. If I give in now, will a child learn anything useful from it? Or does it (also) teach something undesirable?

2. Resources. What does this require in terms of money, space, time, energy or attention?

3. Needs. Who benefits from this? Us or the child? Are these activities that match your child’s interests and talents? Or are they activities that you enjoy?

4. Damage. Is this doing or giving at the expense of others or something else? Such as family members, school or environment?

The university has also developed a talking card to explore how much love (at home) is sufficient for your children to grow up into satisfied, independent and responsible citizens. Such an activity seems like a really interesting option for parent evenings, where participants can exchange practical tips. In addition, it could be an educational activity when discussing the desired youth care.

Dr. Bianca Bijlsma-Smoorenburg is a remedial educationalist, mother of three children and grandmother, she worked as a senior researcher at the Frisian Social Planning Office until her retirement, [email protected]